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When last we spoke about standing alone I was still very scared to step out and do things alone. And, for me, it does take what feels like longer than it should to think about change, acclimate to the idea of change, prepare to act on the change before finally accepting the change (sometimes still kicking and screaming internally). Things take the time they take, am I right?
Well, here I am more than six months later. And I think I’ve finally started to make some noticeable changes both mentally and in tangible doings.
You know that walk to and from the local library that I mentioned in my P. S. of the post about holistic creativity? Well that was kind of a turning point for me. Getting to be alone in my brain for a while and out in nature was invigorating. Also nerve wracking.
But the point is that it sparked independence in me. Not in the rebellious ways of my teenage self…not that I was the picture of typical teenage rebellion. But in the grounded, knowing, and self-assured way through healing and loving myself. Embracing the mess and chaos. Letting go of the shoulds, have tos and expectations.
And it has lead to something that I’m still processing. I think I’ve experienced glimpses of secure attachment, or the beginnings thereof, lately. I’ve not fully done the reading or research but I’ve always suspected that I’m an anxiously attached person. Between that, rejection sensitivity, being an empath, and often overwhelming emotions I’ve struggled to feel settled and safe. Especially when someone I love is acting strange or I can feel their stress or other strong emotions.
I suspect that since nearly the moment the hubs and I met that we connected in a way that was different than I had with other people. I know what you are thinking, I married him, so we should have. But I think it is more than that, and here’s why. We were existing partially in each other’s brains. Very potentially because we both have hyper-awareness or hyper-vigilance. And both seem very empathic, too, without at first understanding what that means and how to separate ours from theirs.
We’ve been existing in the same physical space 99% of the time day in and day out for a few years now. This came about since I started working from home because of the pandemic. Then I discovered just how wonderful this was for me and my forgotten introvert. It was a rather large adjustment for hubs though. And, it has come with some growth in communication and needed adjustments.
The most significant of which is trying to give the other more space for their brain.
And this is the real test of solitude because without realizing it I’d been leaning on the hubs for years in this brain-space way and it was workable for him because I went to the office for work most of my adult life. Now, things needed adjusting.
With my brain constantly connected to his I was no longer alone, ever. And I needed that, for a time. But now I’m needing to step out and practice solitude. And it hurts as much as it’s healing. I’ve come far enough to know that I’m not truly alone but I feel so alone in this practice. I feel brave in ways I didn’t think I knew how to. I feel space for me that I didn’t know I wanted or needed. It is good, and it hurts.
It has taken a long time for me to understand that you can feel many opposing and paradoxical things. And longer to accept that that is ok, good even, at the very least, it isn’t wrong, nor is it bad. Sometimes it simply is existence.
So, I hope you are learning to stand alone and practice solitude if that is something you are needing. Let me know if this sense of sharing brain space with a close family member, friend, or lover resonates. I’d love to hear that I’m not alone, nor am I completely crazy!
With all the love,
-R
P.S. I’ve been photographing more bees. I can’t help it. I even finished an art piece called “Hello Bees” both because I’ve been wanting to do some art of the bees on flower photos I’ve been taking but also because it was a favorite moment in a Critical Role episode where Laura Bailey’s character, Jester, said hello to some bees. You had to watch it because Laura commits to character and her Jester accent is just absolutely wonderful. Jester has been, hands-down, my favorite Critical Role character, likely because she was basically chaos incarnate, a favorite phrase of hers was “let chaos reign!” Maybe that is where some of my embracing the chaos sparked, who can say, lol.
