I’m exhausted, possibly overwhelmed by the thought of making this a regular thing. But I know it’s a good thing, carving out this time. Also, the more time I spend in my office cultivating boredom or doing everything but write, the more likely I’ll find the courage to do what must be done. What I really, in my heart of hearts, want to do. Write. Create. Allow myself the freedom to blossom and grow.
In ways that I’ve not allowed because I’m fucking scared of how happy it could make me and how really real it could be. I’ve hidden behind structure and rules because they are familiar and, in a way, quite comforting.
So, for this self-imposed puttering I am attempting to confront my feels, big and small, and trying to create a flexible schedule. Where I can find the time to bore myself into doing the things that I’d like to be doing. Well, maybe I shouldn’t see it as boring myself into them. I’m giving myself time to transition from one thing to another. I don’t need to “hurry” and, honestly, I’ve always been slow to warm up to things. Transitioning activities have been a godsend to finding more ability to do just about anything creative and vulnerable.
Something I’m implementing along with the puttering is journaling. It’s something that I’ve used, off and on, for years to help ground myself, but I haven’t always seen it as a tool that allows me to move from one activity to another.
I spend eight hours five days a week working a day job. It’s not a hard job, nor a job that creates a lot of stress. But it is hard not to fall into the habit of simply becoming a couch potato every evening because I spent the whole day working on someone else's ideas. I’d love to have the freedom to get to my ideas on my own time with no obligations to anyone else's. But the reality is that, as an adult, I don’t have the financial freedom to spend all day puttering and cultivating boredom.
And, that very likely wouldn’t fix the crux of my problem of running away or procrastinating from what I actually want. Having to think about the importance of the time I do have to work on what interests me and makes me happy creates some focus on really and truly making it happen. Even if I’d love to have had a chance to try the more carefree way of getting there.
Journaling has been a good tool to transition my mind from job work to personal creative work. I highly recommend it for grounding yourself between tasks, whatever they may be. And I especially encourage exploring journaling if you have had trouble with self trust like I have. Seeing the reality of what I’m feeling in writing has been eye-opening. Though, keep in mind that journaling is only a piece of the puzzle towards a better sense of self, self trust and love.