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Sitting here today, thinking about trying to write, is not going too well. Nothing is flowing, I almost feel that I'd rather be sorting my emails, playing a game, or watching some TV show. But I'm giving this a shot. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing with this blog.
I love writing things that have inspired or helped me, but I don't know that I have any end goals...I'm not sure that I need to, necessarily, but I guess that I feel like I should have some ideas? IDK. What I do know about this blog is that, so far, it's my thoughts and reflections on creativity and mental health. I kind of wanted something a bit general to help get me started, but maybe it's a bit too general? Still unclear; further writing required.
At times I've considered making it more of an update blog, like, where my headspace is at week to week. To me that feels too vulnerable...or weird, some how. Also, I don't feel like the most interesting person. I am happy to stay at home for days on end and watch TV, do puzzles, read, and basically be the most boring person I can imagine. We don't have pets (because finances) or kids, by choice. It feels like not a lot happens in our house.
I do think that I will keep writing, in hopes that something presents itself. And, maybe it already has and I'm just totally blind. It's been known to happen. It feels like I'm scared, sometimes, to write, but much more afraid of the reality of not writing. It feels better to write what feels like nonsense or just thoughts, as opposed to not put something out there.
Last week's post was a big one; it took a lot of feels to make that happen...also, being a woman, there is the monthly mood shift that happens. Sometimes I feel it a lot more than others. This last week was pretty rough in that department. It didn't help that I had a run-in with some disturbing information that I was woefully unprepared for. That particular day I felt especially emotionally raw in a deep way.
It is further unhelpful that, even with phase 1 of reopening in my county, the future is still very abstract. Will we be able to reopen and stay open? Will the virus have a resurgence? Will we be forced to social distance for well into fall...or beyond?? There is so much we don't know. It's exhausting! I'm starting to really feel the drain, even though I absolutely love the solitude I've been able to cultivate while social distancing and working from home.
Thinking about it, writing this blog is keeping me sane. My other outlets of creativity are feeling forced and dry...not fulfilling. Writing is the one thing that does seem to flow, even, apparently, when I'm worried that it's not. I'm struggling with the feeling that because my visual art is not fulfilling, and even sometimes feels quite off-putting, that I am not a creative anymore. I worry that my creative card has been revoked. It's really terrifying to really think about.
Weirdly, for me at least, writing has been the answer. Though, I'm still not sure what I'm doing with it...lots of ideas for posts, but I'm finding that my heart has to be in the topic while I'm writing. Otherwise I just can't do it.
Well, I guess this is an update post...
When things are unclear or abstract, it's OK not to know what to do, I obviously have no idea what I'm doing, especially this week. We are all in this thing called life together. Let's talk about the real stuff sometimes. It makes life much more interesting. How's everyone doing this week??
with <3
—A Recovering Design Imposter