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Hey all, I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable of late but that’s not too say that things are bad, at least not exactly. I’ve been wrestling with some big feels and a lot of stress and discomfort around healing.
For a bit I hadn’t been able to get outside much because it’s Oregon’s fun, extra special fire season (she says sarcastically with understanding that Oregon is not unique in this). That sucked, I find that if I can’t get out to nature multiple times a week if not a day I’m not ok on a deep body level.
Beyond that though, I am uncomfortable. Healing is hard work. Remembering to refocus your mind and body on the healthier path you’ve found. It takes true effort. It is uncomfortable and messy. You move forward, you move backwards and sometimes you even suddenly apparate somewhere and don’t know how the hell you go there. Unfortunately that is all part of the process.
There is also grief in healing. Grief for the comfort you’ve left and the things you’ve not chosen. Grief for the past versions of yourself that didn’t know what you know now. For the things that you missed out on.
As I’ve said about many things, it’s a journey. And as with many journeys and adventures, often it is more about the journey than the destination. We are all imperfect, there will never be a day where we have become perfectly healed. Sorry if this is how you are hearing about this.
But there is so much joy to be had in accepting this fact. Sure, life is full of hurt but it is also full of joy, if you let it in. And, often I’ve found that discomfort (not usually pain) tells you you are moving in the right direction. The kind and sense of discomfort is different for everyone and please, please don’t mistake it for pleasing or following others.
I find it is the kind of discomfort that I feel deep in the pit of my stomach. There is this sense of knowing and truth to it. This sense of rightness and belonging to me.
It makes me aware of myself in ways I’d not been before. In ways that help me keep to the healing path. That, in part is the stress.
The rest of the stress is that my mind and body want, desperately, to go back to the comfort we’ve left. Even if on some level we all know the discomfort will lead to better, greener pastures.
I am working overtime and consciously on keeping my inner octopus to myself. Of holding myself and soothing myself when something triggers my hyper-vigilance. Of letting trust bloom strong and true between hubs and I, letting him tell me when he wants or needs something. Letting a similar trust build between myself and my family and friends.
And many, many conversations, sometimes desperate pleas to that little octopus to stay put, to cut that out, keep your tentacles to yourself.
I’m learning to sit in this discomfort, too. To be aware of how it feels in my body, of how my mind responds. To see the systems at play so that I can keep adjusting them towards a better me, a bigger joy in life, a brighter existence.
So, I hope that even if you are sitting in discomfort you know that this, too, shall pass. And hopefully better things are coming. I know you deserve that, and more.
The healing can be uncomfortable, I see you, keep going, you got this.
With much love,
-R
It has been harder to find bees to photograph as there are fewer flowers blooming as we drift towards autumn. I was happy to find this one on a humongous butterfly bush (I think) in our neighborhood. They stuck around long enough for me to have my pick of shots, which was mighty nice of 'em! And, I've learned that for the bees that hive together, eusocial, that it is the females that do all the work, I picked up a copy of OMFG, BEES! by Matt Kracht on our way back from vacation and just finished it this last week, highly recommend! I don't think I have a bee problem...
