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Here I am, late on a Sunday, realizing that I didn't write a single thing this last week. I end up rationalizing it because this or that work project was disheartening, or the week was just draining, or, in all honesty, I haven't been sleeping so well with some allergies picking up this month.
But what I really see is that something needs to change. Good intentions are great, but they don't always get the job done. I am bad at corralling myself to do things, especially things that give me such terrifying joy like creating does. I've tried and tried again to set up schedules, suggestions, and even bribes but the lazy way out often wins despite my best efforts and genuine interest.
I've been trying to make a habit of "puttering" in my office most weeknights for at least an hour, maybe more. But I still run into a few old habits and emotional tracks. I've spend so long making sure that others were taken care of first that I sometimes still default to overriding my wants and needs without a thought. Only later do I realize what I've done. And FOMO hits me hard when the evenings are generally when the hubs and I get to relax together and it often takes the form of TV. Being alone in my office is unbearably scary in the face of the easy, familiar, and comfortable.
Going it alone may not be the best way, but somehow I've see it as a badge of honor, something to be proud of. I'm learning to ask for help and support when I need it and I've finally done that this weekend. As conversations with me tend to go, it started on a completely different topic and through the random tangents and track jumping my brain is wont to do, we ended up talking about how to get me sitting in my office each evening regardless of whether I wrote or not.
I felt super silly asking if the hubs would also implement his own office "puttering" while mine was in progress. At the very least for him to be in his office for the first 20-30 mins so I can't "accidentally" get distracted with whatever is happening in our living room. I can have all the good intentions and even motivation in the world but if I can't get past the starting point it is kinda useless.
So, this week, we (the hubs and I) are teaming up to help me get my office time. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll read, maybe I'll art. But the important thing is that I'll be in a space where I can cultivate the boredom to maybe make something happen. And, I really, really do want to create. Honest. I'm just my own worst enemy when it comes to making my creative priorities an actual, real priority. Creative endeavors, whether or not they provide something more than joy, are just as important as a "real" job.
Still working on seeing it that way. Working on seeing the importance of making time for the small, seemingly insignificant things that bring me joy.