Well, I’m proud of myself. Today (a few weeks ago, now) is the first day that I’ve taken time specifically for writing. And it’s not a Sunday. I’m not sure that I’ll actually write anything I’ll share but, as they (someone, I’m sure) say, you’ve got to write to write. I haven’t been honoring myself with my blog post writing. Sometimes I’d start a post on Friday or Saturday but mostly I’d procrastinate doing everything but write until late on Sunday. Then the pressure was on. Write something, produce it, get it out there. No time for writing other days so it’s gotta be now!
That’s why I decided to step back from my blog for a bit. I wanted to reassess what I was really doing with it. I want to make an impact with my writing. Words I thought I’d never hear myself say, to be sure… I realized something quite recently, I loved to write as a kid. Strange, fantastical stories...still trying to work out what exactly happened there. I have this voice telling my how did you forget/miss that one? But, you know what, a lot of my childhood is more memories of how I felt than what I was doing. And some of it was likely blocked due to trauma. Parents divorcing and the emotional fallout of that wasn’t great. Pretending that it didn’t happen was worse.
Weirdly it’s during a pandemic when I’m coming back to myself and rediscovering that I’m an introvert, I may actually love to write (if I don’t let my fear get in the way), my graphic design career may be on hold for a while or indefinitely, not sure yet (strangely relieved about this one). The biggest thing I’m learning is listening to myself, both my mind and my body.
For years, growing up, I was taught that I cannot trust myself. Growing up in an Evangelical church I felt I was taught that if you are not suffering for God in some way that you are not faithful. The body, the mind, all of it is sinful and will lead you astray. Hence this feeling that I myself will lead myself astray so I cannot trust myself. And, often, I felt, there was no room for discussion. It was what it was. This has led to some problems both mental and physical. Beyond that, being a woman, I was taught that if I wear something inappropriate that I will lead men astray and cause them to sin. That’s a huge burden to bear and, honestly, not mine to take. But it was given to me, all the same. There is a lot more surrounding growing up and being a woman in the Evangelical church, which I hope to unpack more later. Not all of it was bad, I’ve just been working on expelling the negative portions from my existence.
Something that I haven’t fully touched on in my blog, so far, has been my deconstruction surrounding my faith. Separating God from Church, Religion and even Christianity. For a while it was really hard to trust a God that upheld all of these dogmas and subtext I was taught. Honestly I hadn’t even read through the Bible for myself until, like, 3-4 years ago, maybe. There was a lot I was missing and a lot that had been interpreted for me. What it boiled down to, for me, was that my relationship with God was the most important. Full stop.
Here I want to make sure to note that I don’t hate Evangelical Christians or Christianity but I feel that there needs to be some recognition that there are a lot of better ways that we can make God the center rather than dogmas and rules. But also still leave room for living life.
All this to say that the pandemic has exponentially accelerated my deconstruction and really allowed me to come home to my mind and body. I am a person who needs time to plan, it may not look like I am planning, but I am, it’s just percolating on the back burner of my mind. I don’t need to rush myself, doing so only exacerbates the problem.
I am feeling passionate about (possibly even called to) helping others, but right now I’m not sure what that looks like or what I’ll do about it. I just know that writing this blog is a priority. Taking the time today (and hopefully a good amount of future evenings) proves that I want this to be a priority. I even bought myself a Humble Bundle for influencers. I may even get back to finishing What Color is Your Parachute? that I bought months ago. Guys, I might actually be starting something!? Even though I have no idea what “something” will be...yet. Breathe, gotta give it time!
Though, I'll probably post every now and then while I'm figuring some stuff out.
—A Recovering Design Imposter
PS. Some recent (and not so recent) inspirations:
God is Grey
Sexually Liberated Woman
Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski
Quiet, Susan Cain
Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert
Anything by Brené Brown, but specifically Daring Greatly
The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau