Well it is now fall, and September is just over. Anyone else excited that it is officially fall now?
I love the beginning of fall. The crisp air, but not freezing, yet. Mornings that are cold, afternoons that are still sometimes warmed by the sun. And recently I’ve come to realize I like that the weather becomes my moods more. The rains come, the leaves begin to change, and dreary, overcast days become the norm. I like it. Not in a I’m always or often depressed way but that the fall begins a season of winding down, of resting. This year it has also coincided with some extra large feels as I’m healing some deeper layers of myself, and that feels fitting.
Later in fall I start to really feel the lack of sun in the morning, especially once the time change happens. It feels as though suddenly we’ve been plunged into night when our commercial reality says it is time to get up and start the day. That I don’t like. That is when the SAD really kicks in. Something I’m still getting used to since I truly didn’t feel it so much before I got off of my birth control a couple of years ago.
There are a lot of things in my life these days that I think of in terms of before and after that moment. So much changed for me and while I cannot say with certainty what is directly tied to it I know that it has irrevocably changed my entire existence. Something that is not talked about enough in the woman’s health world, I think.
Up until this last Wednesday (my writing evening of choice) I’ve been on a 500+ word roll per evening. It is both liberating and terrifying to just let words wander onto the page. To not consider them at length before they fall out of my head. Sometimes I think this is the way I hinder my process. I worry too much about the quality of what I can squeeze out of myself rather than moving a bit more towards quantity. And possibly that is because of the massive amounts of murk that seem to shroud my creative thoughts when they exist in my head. To become reality they must find reality and I struggle, often, with how different, how flat they feel once they emerge.
I’ve been proud of my efforts this month, of my ability to convince myself that this consistency is not a schedule.
Elle hasn’t moved far, as I’m finding the scenes I’m writing are similar or in the same time period of other drafts I’ve written but that is ok, time to explore is important to finding the final story. And the first draft, I must remind myself, is just that, a draft. It is not the final product, yet.
Artwork and Art Business
This has been frustratingly slow this month. Some because I’ve been deep in some emotional turmoil and healing. Some because opening the can of worms that demands, especially other people, can really really trigger me has cut down on my feelings of creativity.
This is also fall, or the beginnings of it. I do feel it can be appropriate to rest a bit.
I created two messy paintings this month and I think that might be it. There was something about pushing into chaos that really took a lot of effort, as much as it was also a wonderful, freeing feeling.
One thing I did do is order new stickers! They are still in production and hopefully will ship soon. I cannot wait to share them with y’all!
As always you can check out my current sticker selection below:
This feels about the only thing I’ve been able to keep (mostly) consistent all year. I hope and plan to finish out the year though I’ve proven to myself that this is possible for me to write and post once a week. Next year will be a bit different as I’d like to put more time and effort towards art. That has been a focus of my year and yet because I’m writing both this blog and my novel sometimes the art gets put to the side because as much as I’ve created a lower entrance cost to create art (embracing digital art with iPad and the Procreate app) it still feels so far away sometimes. More often come fall and winter.
I even feel the pull to stop writing this blog, the demand feels too much. Everything in life is feeling like some sort of demand and I’m fighting not to drop everything but the basics. Because the basics feel hard enough right now.
This blog has brought me so much focus this year, it has been wonderful and trying. I worry that what I’m writing is nothing to anyone else. I worry that I’m imposing upon the world by putting pieces of myself out there in the public eye. In a way, this blog has encouraged me to take up space. To help me find room to keep exploring and learning about myself. It is likely the sole reason I actually started an art shop as it has given me courage to put more of me out there, no matter the response.
There was probably more gaming than reading this month…I’m not mad. The hubs and I have really gotten into Baldur’s Gate 3, a game that was finally released in August this year. It has been in early access for quite some time, and was well worth it. It is by Larian Studios, a video game company we’ve found to make great games and they stay true to their fans and the quality of the games they produce.
I’ve been playing through an earlier game by the same studio, Divinity: Original Sin, and it is just as good as I remember. The Divinity games (there are 1 and 2) seemed to have more of a cult following, as they say. This recent release has, I hope, put Larian on the map because they deserve so much recognition for the quality game they put out. They put heart and soul into Baldur’s Gate 3 and it shows. It is no wonder it is such a popular game. There are so many details throughout the game. I will likely pick up a replay of it once the hubs and I have finished our joint playthrough…and maybe I’ll finish my replay of Divinity first, we’ll see.