How are all y’all doing now that February ran past?
Again, and even more so than January, the month went quickly. Blink and you miss it. February seems to be my nemesis, or at least this year. It started great, I got a lot done but then as the month closed I could not make myself do anything related to art or writing. It was suddenly like everything was no…except reading and gaming…and what was especially doable? Mindless, or even not so mindless, scrolling of the internet or social media.
Writing this post is cutting it close, it is Saturday night and I’m feeling really belligerent about even writing this. What would I rather be doing? Researching neurodivergent stuff. I am obsessed at the moment. Trying to just go with it, enjoy the ride, and yet I feel like I am failing at other parts of my life because they are not getting tended to “appropriately.”
In some ways I simply can’t do them right now. I really couldn’t tell you why, my brain just decided that we wouldn’t be doing those things. I think partly I am frozen. I tend to freeze rather than fight or flight when it comes to this kind of stress. I get lost in indecision so I disengage in small ways. Try to run away from what is being triggered.
As I ruminate I wonder if I am being triggered by the fact that my life is so much messier than it used to be. The nice thing about this is that I can allow myself to relax more, enjoy the ride, when I’m able. The downside is still the trauma of perfectionism that keeps getting triggered and making me anxious (on top of the seasonal shift anxiety when the days can’t decide whether spring is coming or not, oh Oregon!).
It also seems to be part of reevaluating my life, my whole existence, in the lens of neurodivergent traits. I’m not really going for diagnosis of any sort but I want to, need to, honestly, understand a lot more about how neurodivergent brains work because the glimpses I’ve gotten have made me feel seen. Add to that that I am ready, again, to work with my therapist on healing my brain and body from trauma that I didn’t really see before as trauma or maybe even PTSD or CPTSD. The labels are not as important as the healing, though the labels can and do help.
I think it’s been hard to admit to myself how much I’ve changed getting off of my birth control. Sometimes I’ve felt like a completely different person. Habits I thought I simply grew out of have cropped back up again and how I exist in the world feels more nuanced and mysterious. Especially not having really dealt with many such things for a decade.
But I digress from how February actually went in my goal categories!
I managed to finish reading Save the Cat! Writes a Novel and I started making an outline using the beat sheet I learned all about in my reading. It is going, slowly. I grew a bit overwhelmed by World Anvil. It is so great but I think that I get a bit stressed with how there is just soooo much to it. I may use pieces of it but I’ve been testing another online option called Campfire Write which I’m finding works far better for how my brain seems to want to do things.
Other than that not much has happened…
I nearly successfully made a piece a week this month but I kinda slowed down when I got to that cute Cattapus. I don’t know, I will likely need to set that aside, maybe I won’t finish it for a while, or not at all. It is hard to say but I think something I’ve had to, and am still trying to, come to terms with is that a) I don’t need to finish every project (gotta hold my little completionist back, she fights me hard on this point…) and b) if it isn’t flowing I shouldn’t force myself to do the thing. At least not so hard that I lose my mellow.
So much of my life has felt a lot like forcing myself to do the thing, for a variety of reasons, many not my own. It is a hard habit to break.
This, too, has cooled a bit in excitement. Probably has a lot to do with seasonal moodiness but hey, I’m here writing this. I think, but do NOT quote me, I may write more about both my neurodivergent research and how that is affecting both me and my perceptions about my childhood and life.
I learn again, and again, and again, that writing is an important part of my getting shit done process. I journal, and that helps, but somehow when I write for “other people” even if it never sees the light of day, it is different. I wonder if that has to do with needing to externally process. If I journal it is simply an extension of my mind but if I twist it and think like I’m talking to someone it helps me process and move forward. It helps things make sense in a new way.
Reading Books (still) AKA Buying ALL the Books
In this, at least, I’ve excelled. Maybe too much, lol. I’ve finished my first edifying read this year and am not sure what will come next. I have so many choices! Then there are my pending buys of books about my new obsession…because I must buy them and not just buy them but they must be physical books.
I kid you not, I was legit a massive ball of indecision and tears over the fact that my brain simply decided that nothing but a physical book with pages would do. That is expensive! And some of the books are so new they don’t have much presence on used book sites.
All joking aside though, money is a stressor for me (as I’m sure it is for many people). I often feel that I’m not supposed to or don’t deserve to spend money on myself. Even if I need something it can be very hard for me to buy it. There is often a period of time in which I must prepare myself for purchases.
Lastly, but never least, the hubs got me a nice set of Robin Hobb books for our anniversary (12 good-weird years!) which I rather immediately dived into and finished the Liveship Traders series. They are hefty books, about 900 pages a book. I loved the series and definitely recommend it!